Big Daddy's Kitchen

Tall Tales and Anecdotes

  Monkey Business

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey. It's the middle of the afternoon so the place is pretty empty. He takes a seat at the bar and the bartender comes over and inquires as to his pleasure.  Just then the monkey hops up onto the bar and walks down to the bartender's mixing station and begins to help himself to the array of goodies he discovers there. He picks up a marichino cherry, pops it into his mouth and smiles broadly, obviously pleased with this discovery. The monkey then snags a cocktail onion and eats that as well.

At this point the bartender starts to object when the monkey's owner says, "My monkey really loves to eat. He'll eat just about anything. But beyond that he's harmless. Just keep track of what he eats and put it on my tab."

The bartender is okay with that and so proceeds to fix his customer's drink. After a few minutes the bartender looks up and notices that the monkey has left the bar and is now up on the pool table checking out the balls. Quicker than a wink the monkey picks up the queball, stuffs it into his mouth and swallows.

"That's it," the bartender bellows, "it'll take me days to get a replacement for that queball. Get your monkey and get the hell out of my bar!"

The man gathers his monkey and leaves. A few weeks later he stops into the same bar again with his monkey in tow.

"I remember you," the bartender says. "Your monkey ate my queball the last time you were here."

"I know," says the fellow, "and I really feel bad about that. But I assure you he's learned his lesson. Just let him munch on some cherries and onions and I promise he'll do no further damage."

"Allright," says the bartender, "just keep him off my pool table!"

With that the monkey hops up onto the bar and proceeds down to the bartender's mixing station. He surveys the goodies, reaches down and takes a marichino cheery, eyeballs it for a moment and then, to the bartender's amazement, reaches behind himself and pushes the cherry up his butt. He then extracts the cherry, pops it into his mouth and chews contentedly.

The bartender can't beleive what he just saw until the monkey repeats the procedure with a cocktail onion. First pushing the onion up his butt and then retrieving it and eating it.

"Did you see that!" the bartender exclaimed. "Your monkey is stuffing food up his butt!"

"Ah. Don't worry," the man says. "Ever since that episode with the cueball he never eats anything without measuring it first."

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